Transcript of President Bush's Speech (or should be)
Thursday, July 31, 2003 (19:09:10)

Posted by watts

My fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. An new Iraqi government has been established and appears to be stable. Our mission in Iraq is complete.  This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
 
It is now time to begin the reckoning.  Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict.  This list is short.  The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.  The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.  The  American people are no longer going to pour money into  third world hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on  corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?  Call France.  In the next years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this  money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.  I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations.  Leave us alone.  Solve your own problems.  Need help?  Call Germany.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations.  Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize?  Try France, or maybe China. Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say.  It seems like  everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s and World War II.  Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel.  No  way, Jose.
 
Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority.  Yo, boys.  Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all  of you can  go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces  there.  Big  tables, too.
 
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,  Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
 
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid  tickets to sites where hose vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over  to some of the finest chop shops in the world.  I love New York.

Oh, and by the way, we are no longer going to host the UN in the United States.  I am suggesting Rwanda as a suitable alternative.  You can use your big expense accounts to eat in a fancy, flea ridden grass shack restaurant next to your fancy, bedbug ridden grass shack hotel.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2.  Since we  are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2.  President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment.  I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around.  Guess where I'm gonna put  'em?  Yep, border security.  So start doing something with your oil.
 
Oh, by the way,the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty---starting now.  It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.  Some will accuse us of isolationism.  I answer them by saying darn tootin'.  Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.  It is time to eliminate hunger in  America.  It is time to eliminate homelessness in America.  It is time to provide medical care for all Americans.  It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought.  Thanks guys.  We owe  you.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought.  Good luck!

God bless America.